Back. Only one week this time. That seems more respectable. For now I’m approaching this as somewhat of a public journal. I’ll throw my thoughts out into the void and see what sticks. I’m still terrified of the internet, where nothing ever really dies and to be fat and a woman is a mortal sin, but I’m feeling brave at the moment so here goes? 

So. 

I’ve been writing music. 

I’ve had ideas and instead of letting those ideas sit in my head and dissipate or be squashed by fear of doing the “wrong” thing, I actually played them, wrote them down (electronically of course), and even shared them with a few people. This is huge for me. 

For the longest time I’ve been a musician, and I’ve always considered myself to be a person who is “crafty,” a problem solver with a vivid imagination, but I’ve been incredibly resistant to referring to myself as creative, and I’m STILL hesitant to call myself a composer. I may have four degrees, but none of them are in composition after all. But lately, and by lately I mean a journey that has been taking place over the last few years, I’ve been convincing myself that composing doesn’t. have. to. mean. notated. music.

I know. Wild, right? 

And also…not at all. 

As a music educator, I’ve held this stance for about 5 years, but applying it to myself and my own artistic output….that is a lesson that hasn’t really stuck. I’m trying to break down that conditioning within myself though. I may have years and years of training as a technician of other people’s music, but that is not all that I am. I may have finally found my footing as an educator in the place I now call home, but that is not all that I am. Composing = creating I can create. I can compose. I’m a…composer? 

That doesn’t quite fit right just yet. 

I’ll keep trying it on for size every once in a while, but for now I think I’ll try and focus on the actual creating and growing in comfort with that. 

More on teaching and repertoire next time..unless my brain dictates otherwise. In the meantime, feel free to checkout an excerpt of the piece I wrote “Unsure” with my duo partner and friend, Chelsea! Follow us on the socials @consumingarts

Tia