Are blogs still a thing? The internet says “yes, but…” and to be honest, I’m not sure I have the mental capacity to go down the rabbit hole of that “but..” Needless to say, I find myself on this website I created, 4 years later, the same and a very changed person. I’ve since completed that DMA I was embarking on, as well as a 2nd masters, and now have a full time job (where I previously worked hourly/freelance) as Program Manager, Social Media Coordinator, and Lead Percussion Teacher for the social change through music program, Accent Pontiac (AP).
The fog of grad school has mostly lifted, but there’s still a lot of habits I formed to make it through that persist. I can’t seem to shake that imposter syndrome, the pushing to constantly be productive (also part of capitalism) is real strong, and ya know that little global pandemic we’re still living through is making’ the old noggin a tad on the messy side.
I’m not sure what’s coming for me. I do not know if my next entry will be in 4 days, or another 4 years. I’m trying my hand right now at finding a balance between Dr. Tia, as the amazing young musicians at AP call me, and Tia just me. I feel like somewhere over the last couple of years I’ve lost who I am as an individual person and artist. I’m looking to find that again. I’ve written some music over the past year. I’ve even shared with a few people. I’m hoping to get more comfortable doing that, and more comfortable being vulnerable.
I think of myself as a fighter, often. Fighting racism, fighting the patriarchy, fighting the dishes that so quickly can pile up, and I think so deeply on things. I get lost in those thoughts. I get overwhelmed at how large the issues facing our society loom. I’ve got so much schooling and even experience under my belt, and I still just feel helpless in the face of it all sometimes…more than sometimes…most times…if I’m being honest. My reaction to feeling helpless for so, so long has been to work harder, to dig deeper, to get up earlier, that if I were just more “on top of it” I could have solved that last problem. If I anticipated better, I could have given the kids a better experience. If I exercised more and were thinner, more people would make music with me. Oop…there’s that messy noggin again. Maybe I’ll make space to get in to some real things here…instead of just fight them. Maybe I’ll find it within myself to be open. Or maybe I’ll run and hide because the internet is a terrifying place for a fat woman…for any woman?
I want to create. Music. I want to perform. I want to teach. I want to be a part of not actively making my corner of this planet a worse place to live.
I’m in an uncomfortable place right now, mentally. Maybe writing will help me through it.
Maybe it will help someone else too.