My whole life I’ve been told to be less. Teased for being upset the boys wouldn’t pass me the ball in peewee basketball..told to be careful with my tone in highschool band leadership training because even though I was right, my tone of voice was judgemental…told to calm down, told it’s not a big deal, told to relax, told to follow, told that all I know how to do is fight and when there’s nothing left to fight I’ll just fall over. 

Now I find I’m fighting myself. 

All of these memories rush through me when I feel called to stand up for something, and it’s paralyzing. It mixes in with my critical understanding of the world, and I see myself shrinking, being confined, and I want to fight it so badly….but it seems I believe the messaging now. It’s inundating presence has finally seeped through, and I worry if I speak out I’m being aggressive…again. 

All of these memories rush over me when I try to create, when I yearn for creative collaboration with peers. Have I been so unpleasant to be around that now no one wants to make music with me? If I were a better musician, more attractive, or just quiet, would they put up with me? Not even would they want me. I’m so desperate I just wanted to be tolerated! 

Damn. 

I didn’t used to be this way. 

Years of being told to be less, seem to have done a number. 

I used to be brave. take chances. I used to take up space. 

Why am I believing these memories? How are they serving me? Are they protecting me? Maybe it’s time to let them go, and find a medium between who I was and who I am…a person influenced by passion yet that can taking a moment to breathe and see a bigger picture.

Is this possible?

P.S. On the thought of collaborating, I recognize that in reality it’s likely not about me. Please don’t mistake my vulnerability and insecurity above for hubris that everything is about me. It’s quite possible the fact of the matter is I’m no longer in school and therefore no longer in forced situations with different people all with various musical endeavors to complete. I’m in my 30s, and everyone is busy. If I want to create with folks, I’m going to have to make that happen…and I’m trying, really. But every time something doesn’t pan out it takes me a minute to lick my wounds and get back out there asking folks who are just as busy as me to share their time and energy. 

P.P.S. I’m participating in a local baking competition that is a fundraiser for a non-profit here in Pontiac. I’m hella scared. I love baking, and am in the process of turning it into a side hustle, but if you can think of my imposter feelings as a musician (something I have decades of training and experience in), imagine my feels going into this with like actual culinary folk…help! 

Since July 30th I’ve been trying to put together another post to share. In August I came pretty close, but chickened out. I wonder if others feel this feel. It’s like simultaneously feeling strong and weak? Confident and terrified? Intelligent and ignorant? I’ve been told that I come across as very self-assured. It feels so very odd to me when people say that because I know that I am constantly questioning myself, always doubting whether to speak, to act, to write, to perform, to create…I’m so tired of being in this space. It’s exhausting.

To that end, I’m going to try and put some of it out there. I’m going to try and be brave. 

I’ve been feeling some big feels lately…like I don’t know what’s next, which for me is terrifying. I’ve been questioning my career, wanting to be an “aritst” but feeling like I’m not good enough for the label. Ruminating on how there are so many injustices in our society, and feeling guilty I’m not fighting for them all, while at the same time coming up against some serious burnout in the field I’m currently in. 

I sometimes day dream about running away from it all and opening a bakery. I can’t quite figure out what in my brain thinks being a small business owner would be more peaceful. Lol. (Side note: I do lean towards wanting to turn my hobby of baking into a side hustle. I’m waiting to see how that all plays out with a few projects in motion) 

Anyways, I don’t want to burnout…but after over a decade of music school I find that I’m way better at emotionally beating up on myself  than taking care of myself. How do people do that self-care thing I’ve heard so much about? What is a, how you say “break?” Seriously though, I take 15 minutes to watch a Sailor Moon episode and eat my lunch, and I’m over here calling myself lazy. 

For the record, I’m working on this with professional help, but I haven’t been able to reach a place of peace yet. For years, I’ve believed that I’m not funny, definitely never considered myself attractive, and I’ve always felt like I’m not particularly talented/intelligent. In all of the ensembles and studios I’ve been in, I never was “the best” player. I was always amazed at the brilliance of those around me, my friends especially, and wondered why they let me tag along. As a result, I’ve told myself that my value as a person comes from being a “hard worker.” I had (have?) convinced myself that people only keep me around because I’m reliable, because I “have my shit together,” but not because they actually like, respect, or enjoy my presence. It’s ridiculous. I know. And I’m trying to undo that harmful self-talk, but it goes deep…and well…is a daily struggle.

(Even while typing this, my internal self-talk said “Is it ridiculous though?” Jesus, I’ve got work to do.)

A few weeks ago I had the opportunity to perform for a small crowd here in Pontiac with Consuming Arts. We weren’t the main event, but I was stoked to be out there trying to do the thing. During our set, I shared a little more than I think I ever have publicly on the state I was in writing music a while back, and afterwards multiple people thanked me for being so open as they expressed feeling similarly. Fast forward to grabbing a bite to eat after the show. Somewhere between picking a place to sit, and the prime rib sandwich this thought pings in my mind “Why did you say all that stuff, Tia? You’re so stupid and whiny. No one actually cares about you, and now they just think you’re weak and crazy.” Do they? I have no idea? Do I think that about myself? Most definitely. Do I know I shouldn’t think that about myself, and can in fact point to an overwhelming amount of evidence disproving it, but I still feel in my heart of hearts that it is true? Also most definitely. 

Maybe this is all over sharing. Then again, maybe it’s an attempt at being genuine in a world full of theatrics. I’m not sure where this is going, but I’m likely to get too scared to post again if I don’t wrap it up soon.

I’m not giving up. I’m not 100%, or really even 50% okay, but I intend to keep keepin’ on. I’m doing the work on myself. I’m exercising. I’m making attempts to be creative, develop relationships, and not think the worst of the world. I need help with that sometimes…seeing beauty around me, recognizing it within myself. But I’m trying.

The Fall semester is here yet once again. Summer has come and gone. This past summer was full of many musical moments with students and performing alike. The camps were fun, the waking up after the sun had risen was arguably even better, but it’s back to that grind of graduate school. This semester is different though. I haven’t announced this publicly anywhere yet. I think part of me was still unsure it was real. But, I’m starting a second masters this Fall as I work towards completing my doctorate at MSU. I am now also working on a masters in Musicology – and very excited about it, I might add…nervous…but excited. I’ll graduate some day, but for now I’m going to dig in and learn as much as I can.